Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
