pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
A+ Viking dick
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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