no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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