If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
