I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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