dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
