I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize