I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Will exercising make me less horny?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
