So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
