life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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