A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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