True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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