I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
