Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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