Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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