put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
