There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
