sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
