TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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