did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
