she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
