I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
