It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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