I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
