Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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