Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
