The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
