If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
