evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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