genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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