i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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