Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
