Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
