He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dicks are not precious.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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