I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
