its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
