you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
