ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
