Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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