watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
