I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
