my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
