Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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