he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize