There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
