I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he puts the penis in happiness.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
