listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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