the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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