12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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