I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
