I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
