i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
