i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
