I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
