too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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