Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
