Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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