I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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