you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
