Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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