Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
