you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
