I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
