I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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