The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
